What is so wrong with me?

What is so wrong with me

that the fire of change burns and burns

and never ceases, never turns?

What is so wrong with me

that the  stormy seas rage and rage

and never cease, never calm?

What is so wrong with me

that the wretched winds of time

cannot bestow on me a simple second of happiness? 

Is it that the fire enjoys pain?

Does it lap up tears like an angry desert?

Does it dwell in black sorrow and thrive?

Is it that the sea revels in distress?

Does it joy at the screams of broken sailors?

Does it value surrender and weakness?

Or is it that the winds have nothing else to do?

Do they adore the implausible and impossible?

Do they worship unfairness and injustice? 

Who are they: fire, sea, wind?

Nature? Nurture?

Tremulous torture?

Three spirits of havoc;

three demons of despair?

Who am I?

Why do I care?

What is so wrong with me that I cannot be

who I believed I was meant to be?

What is so wrong with me that I seem unable to see

who I believed I was meant to be?

Why? Who? What?

What is so wrong with me?

One Day ~ May 6 2013

One day when the wind blows lonely over the golden grass
and the earth creaks around on its backward axis,
I shall say to you "I love you."
And one day when the silver spirit of the moon has glided away to far off galaxies,
you shall say to me "I love you."

When the sun is faded to a husky brown
and there is no difference between the day and the night.
When the ice won't freeze and the ice won't melt
and everything hangs in the balance of light.
When the sea is neither blue nor green
and eyes have neither watched nor seen,
and dreams have been and gone long ago,
and the world is coated in a dull white snow.
When the air is warm but carries hints of the cold
and no crops will grow for fear of growing old
and laughter and weeping have merged into one;

We shall say to each other,
"What have we done?"

 

What have we left behind?

Can we change what we're going to leave behind?

Love

it's eating away 

at my heart

big and dark and dangerous

it's chewing its way

into my heart

long long slow slow 

crunch

crunch

LOVE

Identical Smiles in my land

The winds of change are moving over the land

And the moon never rises on a similar scene,

Yet the eyes of the present are blind to the past

And the changes blur to a gentle acceleration

Where only separation can force the division

Between then and now,

And why and how.

Only gnarled ghosts remain of the colonialist hand

And the ancient tribes have been machined to dust

Which settles on people and on the land

Blanketing out all the sense and reason that supposedly comes hand in hand with time.

Instead a quiet has descended on rocks and mountains -

They shrink under the burden

Of a forgotten memory.

The braces of time have weighted down the corners of the smiles,

And forced them into a foreign alignment

That has sunk the quirks and gaps in the front,

Creating fragments of faces that dissolve in the sterile sand of the sea:

Never gone, but so far lost that they will never be found.

Only grimaces are left,

In the parting of the lips and in the eyes.

They depart from the clinical appointment, blank,

Colourless sheets blown by the changing wind:

They are all exactly the same, but in whose eyes?

Ignoring the wisdom of the past, they resist by shielding themselves

In the very armour that ghostly hand designed.

Safety in numbers, hiding from reality:

All identical faces.

Understand?

I understand.

I stand under the stars, 
watch aliens in a cartoon that are stars,
see cells in a brain that are brains -
and I understand.

But then, I stand under those same stars 
and see aliens
watch a baby grow, 
and see life
walk on the sand, 
(and realise that commas are not yet comatose)
and realise that where I stand is neither
where I stood a second ago, nor 
where I'll ever stand again.

Standing there;
a planet in a universe,
a universe of planets,
I sometimes think I understand.

But then I stand up,
or did I just stand down?
Put my hand up,
drop my hand down.
Reach for the stars,
or are they just straws?
(maybe they're imaginary alien's jaws)

I took a step, 
I took a stand,
But funny, somehow, I don't understand.

Do you understand?